Close to giving up kayaking

It’s something I never thought I’d ever write, but I’m getting close to giving up the sport I’ve loved for all these years.

I wrote previously about how I was having trouble conjuring up the motivation to get onto the river. I’ve also been having recurring issues with head games. Despite making progress after some sessions with a sports psychologist, and gaining some confidence back thanks to some fun times on some waves during the summer, a recent trip to Norway has set me back again.

In my heart, I still really like kayaking. But, when it comes to the day of boating I’ll often find myself wanting to stay in bed instead.

Superficially, I’m tired of dark and cold early mornings in the winter. When I was younger I didn’t mind them because the sport was new and exciting to me. Nowadays, the idea of getting up at 5am on a dark, freezing cold morning to drive two hours or more to paddle in a tree filled ditch doesn’t fill me with quite the same enthusiasm. I don’t have a van I can sleep in, and I have a wonderful dog that I’m responsible for, so I can’t go to river locations the day before and I need to get Dolly looked after.

Lots of people could up sticks and move closer to the rivers. But, after Em’s passing, I like it here. This is the home we moved into together, and I’m close to her family.

I’m also struggling with the fact that I was a better skilled boater a few years ago than I am now. Sure, my flat water freestyle has come on, but I’ve lost all confidence paddling white water. Whereas once upon a time I would drive the boat, now I’m hesitant and on the back foot a lot of the time. Timed strokes that I would have once found easy are now timid and ineffectual, and I’m catching silly edges all the time. It’s as if every hard won skill I gained in the sport has been taken away. And I did have to work hard for them, because I wasn’t a natural boater or water person.

I was much better relative to what I am now, even if I couldn’t compare to actually good boaters. However, I’m not able to get the river time in to get the skills that I did have back again. My experience allows me to often recover from cockups, but cockups they still are, and I’ve had some silly swims recently as well. I also don’t have the confidence in my skills that I once had, so I can’t place myself on the river as easily without getting pushed off line. Eddies that I would once have powered over to now pass me by as I misjudge my line or I give up too easily.

So, I’m left with a dilemma. Do I carry on being a thoroughly mediocre boater with not much chance of getting back to where I was at one time? Some would say to just enjoy being on the water regardless. But, that means paddling low grades and dealing with constant head games for anything slightly bigger. It means loving the idea of boating in the days leading up to a possible trip, and then having a sleepless night of pure worry and anxiety the night before. I still like practicing flat water freestyle, but it’s not the same without Em there with me.

There are other factors that I won’t go into here, but the long and short is that I’m struggling to maintain my enthusiasm. It possibly doesn’t help that I’m feeling run down a lot of the time, fighting a seemingly constant battle for energy. It’s certainly an ingredient, but it’s not the whole story. I know some others would say that maybe it is time to give it up. Why fight it? Because I still like the idea of being on the water, and kayaking still connects me back to Emily.

I don’t know where I’ll go from here, and I apologise for this being such a negative post. Writing is cathartic for me, and they’re just words I feel I need to say.