Crossing a mental bridge

Recently, as readers of my blog know, I’ve been getting a bit frustrated with my boating. Although in complete contradiction, I’ve also finally been having a great time boating. So, what’s been happening?

I’ve made no secret of the fact that head games have been utterly ruining my kayaking of late, but there have been some glimmers of light. Much of what has been happening has been connected to PTSD, which let’s just say wasn’t having a very pleasant effect on my life. I decided to take the advice of a friend and speak to someone who knows what they’re talking about. The result was that I took EMDR therapy, which without going into detail is a very clever way of getting your brain to process traumatic memories. The result has been transformative to say the very least.

What’s odd about the processing of trauma is that processing one traumatic event that had nothing to do with kayaking had a knock on effect with my general feeling on the water. I’ve finally been able to get some of my old kayaking self back. I’ve been on the bottom wave at Mile End Mill at a high level and surfed into the meat of it whereas before I’d timidly stay on the friendly shoulder.

My head games aren’t totally eliminated though. Moving to a new environment meant that some old memories and feelings that I still might need to process came back when I tried to go on Erbistock wave recently. Despite it being an incredibly smooth feature, I still didn’t feel like I was in control. Likewise, when I went to Hurley I held back from really going for it onto the wave.

It’s all still a work in progress, but I am chipping away at it.

Fitness

Another aspect that I feel has helped me recently, is increasing my fitness levels. Without the martial arts that I used to do regularly, my cardio fitness has taken a big hit in the past 4 years. Although I have been running on and off, I hadn’t been doing enough of it consistently enough to really make a difference; until now.

I’ve been making a concerted effort to run every other day, and I’m now at a point where I’m noticing a big difference in my kayaking energy and stamina. Whereas earlier this year I might have been worn out after only a couple of hours playing on a wave, or ready to go home after lunch, I can now keep going much longer. My running in itself feels stronger, and I can see that reflected in my pace times. Recently I managed to break through the sub five minute per km mark for a few splits, which is something I didn’t think I could do. The best part is that I wasn’t even aiming to do it at the time.

I’m being quite strict with myself about getting a run done. Even if I don’t have much time on a particular day, I’ll do a shorter run at a higher intensity. The even better bit is that I’m actually enjoying doing it. Once I’m out of the house I feel good that I’m doing it, and far from feeling worn out at the end I feel more mentally invigorated. Not bad for an activity that I used to absolutely hate with a passion!

Sometimes I’ll do a chilled run, sometimes I’ll do a long run, and sometimes I’ll do hilly trail runs to build up my legs and cardio more. Keeping the runs varied helps keep me interested in doing it, come rain or shine.

I still have my mental blips with my boating, and EMDR can never deal with the grief I feel after losing Emily. Each day can go between feeling good to facing a huge mental struggle. But at least now I’m not having to deal with the trauma of flashbacks and debilitating memories of what happened on the day she passed away. Dealing with these with the help of a professional has been a hugely positive step.

I don’t really know why I wrote this blog entry, since it doesn’t offer anyone any particular help or advice with kayaking. But, I guess it can serve to show how often times head games in kayaking are not always directly related directly to the sport itself.